He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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