Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
