I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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