if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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