i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
