the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
