If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
