so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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