mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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