A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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