I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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