Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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