I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
