You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
