I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
