she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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