when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
