Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
