So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
