Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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