I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
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The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
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i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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