ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
