did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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