I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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