Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
