I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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