So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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