Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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