I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
