My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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