Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
