She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
