I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
