she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
