MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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