I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Four minutes until I can fart!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
