and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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