big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
