two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
