I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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