I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
