i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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