My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize