im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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