Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize