fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
