I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
