I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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