So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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