im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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