So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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