Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
