The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
