Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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