giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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