They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
