it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
