i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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