I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
