It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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