The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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