He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
